Brought to you by: The Goldwater Institute
The school year has just finished, but fall will be here before you know it, bringing a whole slew of new woke subjects that will be taught to your unsuspecting children in public schools. You should be prepared!
The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of new subjects public schools are almost certain to be offering this fall.
- How the Founding Fathers Were Literally Hitler: Though this has been taught as part of history classes for decades, it will now officially have its own separate subject.
- How to Make Huge, Life-Changing Decisions Without Telling Your Parents: From abortions to changing genders, this class will make it happen without Mom & Dad ever having a clue.
- Furry Fetish Biology: Replacing the study of actual animals, this subject will teach children that they essentially are animals and should act accordingly.
- Antiracist Math: Don’t believe thousands of years of white colonial lies. 2+2 can be whatever you want it to be.
- Home Economics (Boys Only): You can’t teach girls how to cook or sew anymore. That would be sexist.
- Advanced Peaceful Protesting: Masks, bricks, and Molotov cocktails will be provided.
- TikTok Influencer 101: Preparing your kids for the only job they will ever be qualified for.
- Tucking 101: No matter what part of your anatomy you’re pretending to not have, you can learn to hide it.
- Biological males competing in girls’ PE: In this class, the boys will just mercilessly destroy the girls at everything, preparing them for higher-level athletics.
- Anatomy, but just the weird sex stuff: Ew.
What a thrillingly progressive academic lineup! Have fun, kids!
NOT SATIRE: The Goldwater Institute is proud to be the FIRST pro-liberty organization to help pass School Choice legislation. Since we launched the Education Freedom movement, School Choice has been passed in 22 states!
Leftwing Radicals and Woke socialists are doing EVERYTHING in their power to indoctrinate children with their twisted beliefs. You and I must not allow them to win.
Please help the Goldwater Institute raise $10,000 from the Babylon Bee to pass School Choice in every state in the country!
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I’m counting on the Babylon Bee to help me reach this $10,000 goal. Please help us fight for School Choice and defeat the radicals in education.
Director of Development
Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.
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