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Father’s Day is fast approaching. If you want to support the patriarchy you’re going to pony up the cash to honor your father or he’ll think you don’t care! Manly gifts only!
Here are the manliest Father’s Day gifts imaginable:
1) A rock: To smash things and sharpen iron weapons with. Like a man! AARRRRGH!
2) Bag of dirt: To rub on kids’ boo-boos.
3) A camouflage high capacity tactical orthopedic back pillow: Support your lumbar. Tactically.
4) Bulletproof vests for deer to make hunting more challenging: Finally put that 2nd amendment to use!
5) James Bond’s Aston Martin: Get the one that turns invisible so he can stealthily keep his daughter from dating the wrong guy.
6) Long-range, night-vision grill tongs: For the elite BBQ operative in your life.
7) A shirt that never wears out so he can wear only that shirt forever without ever buying a new one: Make sure to pair it with some cologne and deodorant for your own safety.
8) Combination bottle opener/space telescope: Don’t leave your Dad unable to crack open a nice cold one while gazing into the vast abyss of infinite space!
9) Ruggedized outdoor foot massager: Pairs nicely with scented candles shaped like AR-15s.
10) A wallet that’s the same size and shape as a Big Mac: The bigger the better.
NOT SATIRE: Tactical Dad Maximus Manliness Bundle – Everything a dad needs when he wants to be the coolest dad in the daycare pickup line.
- A diaper bag/backpack made from the same fabric used by armies worldwide
- Water bottle fit for Desert Storm, it can hold water, baby formula or Daddy’s “private sippy cup”
- Tactical Dad joke book so you will never be caught without a groaner that will make your wife shake her head
- First Aid Kit consisting entirely of “Tactical Dad Cure-All Cards”. Including classics like “Walk It Off”, “Quit Your Belly Aching”, and “Toughen Up, Buttercup!”
- Tactical Dad t-shirt and baseball cap so you can make everyone in the daycare pick-up line laugh.