Brought to you by: Patriot Mobile

Are you a red-blooded American PATRIOT who loves God, guns, family, and freedom? Better watch out, the FBI probably thinks you’re a domestic terrorist! They could be watching you read this right now. They could be listening to your phone calls!

Fight back against those Feds by learning all the telltale signs one of them is listening in on your phone conversation:

  1. You hear slow, heavy mouth-breathing on the line: And the faint sound of CNN playing on someone’s TV. Creepy!
  2. The hold music sounds suspiciously like a guy humming out of tune: George Michael’s “Careless Whisper” sounds nothing like that!
  3. All your insurrection attempts have been foiled: How do they know?!
  4. You see a guy with an FBI hat hiding in your bushes with headphones on: Or, that just might be your weird neighbor Steve.
  5. You’re bragging about how beautiful your golf course is, everyone says so and how it’s tremendous really to be everyone’s favorite President of all time: Oh no! You’re Donald Trump! Yep, your phone’s definitely bugged.
  6. All the details for the surprise birthday party you’re throwing for your spouse get leaked to CNN: And now the “fake news” is all out on your front lawn. Not cool, FBI!
  7. When chatting with friends about what to do this weekend, you hear a voice say “Or maybe we can kidnap the Governor of Michigan!”: Subtle.
  8. Your eardrums are shattered by a loud screech of unbridled rage whenever you say the word “Trump”: RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  9. You feel like the person you’re talking to is stalling, keeping you on the line for extra time, then suddenly you hear “OK PEOPLE WE GOT IT!”: Prepare to be raided, MAGA terrorist.
  10. You’ve ever once attended a school board meeting: You’re clearly dangerous.

NOT SATIRE: Patriot Mobile, America’s ONLY Christian conservative wireless provider, is the ONLY alternative to woke mobile. We deliver dependable nationwide wireless service to our members, which allows us to fight for our God-given rights and Christian conservative values.

In 2022, we’re donating more than $2 million dollars to organizations that fight for our first amendment rights, second amendment rights, sanctity of life, and our veterans and first responders.

Make the switch today to receive free activation (code: BABYLONBEE), nationwide dependable coverage, support from our 100% US-based team, and the peace of mind that your money is going to a company that LOVES God and this country. We’re actively working every day to support Christian conservative causes.

Learn more at www.patriotmobile.com/babylonbee or give us a call at 972-PATRIOT.


Can this liberal California couple handle their new life in Texas?


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By GIL