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Your family may say they want you over for Thanksgiving because they love you, but it’s obviously a trap. They’re going to ambush you with alternative facts that make Biden look bad. Get the drop on your dumb conservative uncle by coming to the table armed with facts and your truth that will absolutely destroy all who think differently.

Here are the best ways to own your conservative relatives:

  1. Say a toast for the indigenous land acknowledgment: Amen.
  2. Volunteer to say grace and thank Biden for the meal: All prayers are binding! No take-backs!
  3. Dress the turkey in drag: This turkey died because it couldn’t express itself as a chicken.
  4. Throw a Molotov cocktail: Buuuuuurn!
  5. Invite Elizabeth Warren: She can demonstrate how indigenous peoples would hand-shuck corn. With their hands.
  6. Set up a TV screen to play Kamala Harris speeches: There is nothing more compelling than the soothing laugh and eloquent words of Kamala.
  7. Tout all of Biden’s accomplishments: Conservatives can’t stand hearing about this president’s MANY achievements that aren’t in any way imaginary.
  8. Talk about how thankful you are for inflation: Higher prices mean everyone has more money! Who wouldn’t be thankful for that?
  9. Sit at the kids’ table and indoctrinate the young impressionable minds: Set up a PowerPoint presentation to really drive it home.
  10. Show everyone your paid-off student loans: Oh, wait…

Well, most of those will work. Maybe save the student loan thing for next year. By then it will definitely happen. For sure. Or 2024.


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By GIL