We hope you’re hungry… for nothing! See, you’re not supposed to eat meat anymore, because it’s bad for the planet. Luckily, the World Economic Forum, Bill Gates, and a panel of expert lizard people all got together and came up with these 11 much greener substitutes for meat:

  1. Crickets: This is the obvious one. Snack on some delicious bugs to show you love Mother Earth. Alternatively, become a rich celebrity with a private jet, and you’re OK to eat all the meat you want.
  2. Dirt: Dirt is plentiful, renewable, and clean. Well, it’s two of those things.
  3. Killing yourself: Perhaps the best option for anyone who is truly concerned about humanity murdering the planet in the face.
  4. One of those pretend steaks in a Fisher-Price kitchen playset: On second thought, too much plastic. Go back to #3.
  5. Exile yourself to a remote planet and leave half a cryptic map with your droid and half with some old guy for some reason, and live sustainably off the land by milking the local alien cows: Good for the environment, even if it doesn’t really make sense from a narrative standpoint.
  6. Like, seriously, what a terrible MacGuffin. At least it’s not as bad as Rise of Skywalker, where there’s an ancient Sith knife that’s a map if you hold it up to the wreckage of a battle station that hadn’t even been built or crashed yet and only if you stand at a random spot and even then it just kind of generally points you toward the general area which turns out to be in the Emperor’s throne room which is where you would have LOOKED FOR THE DANG BEACON IN THE FIRST PLACE
  7. Vegetables: These can be a tasty alternative to beef.
  8. Subway tuna: Instead of real meat, eat at Subway.
  9. Those little gummy candy burgers: More environmentally sustainable AND they’re adorable. They have cute little sushi ones too.
  10. Taking mime classes and just pretending to eat: You can also learn to pretend you’re in a box and pull a rope. Mime scientists are still working on a fourth idea of something to mime.
  11. Socialism: The surest way to make sure you don’t ever eat too much.

Well, it’s lunchtime, so this list is over. We’re heading over to the Bee office cafeteria now for an $8 cricket burger.


NOT SATIRE: “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery”, said no one who has eaten a meat alternative… ever. That’s why Good Ranchers isn’t in the alternative meat business. We’re in the business of sourcing the best meat & seafood in America and bringing it right to your door.

Now is the perfect time to change the way you buy meat. We’re running a Black Friday sale you don’t want to miss!

Use code BABYLONBEEF and subscribe today to lock in your price with our best deal of the year. There really are no alternatives to American meat because nothing else even compares.


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By GIL