Brought to you by: Intercollegiate Studies Institute
Do you think getting a job as a Harvard University professor is unattainable? Think again! Though Harvard is among the most prestigious and highly regarded institutions of higher learning in the world, a teaching position might be within your grasp.
A school insider has provided The Babylon Bee with the following list of qualifications for landing a teaching gig at Harvard:
- You did your doctorate dissertation on Mein Kampf: Exactly the kind of preparation you need to join the ranks of the Harvard elite.
- Your parents’ trust fund donated $3 million to the university: Add another million and you get tenure!
- You’re an unqualified failure, but also a Democrat: You’ve got it where it counts.
- You’re a humble janitor who likes to solve complex mathematical problems on the hallway chalkboard: The type of feel-good story someone should make a movie about.
- You anchored a CNN primetime show with very low ratings and are shaped like a potato: If Brian Stelter could do it, so can you!
- You believe “2+2=4” is up for debate: Only the most brilliant intellectuals can understand the nuances of Math.
- You believe in strength through diversity and also that there are too many Asians: Those are the wrong kind of diversity.
- You shout “Allahu Ackbar” when you win a game of Mario Kart: Not a celebratory exclamation you hear every day, but when you do, you know something big happened.
- You pray to Obama: Harvard’s own patron saint.
- You just studied abroad in Gaza where you shot homemade rockets at an Israeli birthday party: That’s the real-world, blood-on-your-hands experience Harvard values in its professors.
What are you waiting for? Ditch your boring job and get yourself a teaching position at Harvard today.
NOT SATIRE: Wouldn’t having a college professor who didn’t hate you be nice?
Do you wish you could openly talk about Jordan Peterson or Thomas Sowell?
Are you tired of being told your opinion doesn’t matter?
The Intercollegiate Studies Institute (ISI) knows college campuses are hostile to conservative students. College students like you should have an education in the ideas and heroes that make America great.
You deserve to be taught by professors who like you.
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