Brought to you by Nouri:

Being alive is hard. If you don’t eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you’re eating might be literally killing you!

Do not eat these foods or you will surely die:

  1. Fatty foods
  2. Non-fat foods
  3. Gluten
  4. Gluten-free food
  5. Taco Bell’s new Cheesy Chipotle Arsenic Wrap
  6. Red meat
  7. White meat
  8. Green meat
  9. All other types of meat
  10. Vegetables
  11. Carbonated beverages
  12. Expired food
  13. Tofu
  14. Lamb, if it’s holding a shiv
  15. Seed oils
  16. Non-seed oils
  17. Rat poison
  18. Corn syrup
  19. Maple syrup
  20. Sugar
  21. Artificial Sweeteners
  22. Oats
  23. Boats
  24. Steamed hams
  25. Dairy products
  26. Almond milk
  27. Soy
  28. Grains
  29. Nuts
  30. California Raisins
  31. Other raisins
  32. Any food you have to chew
  33. Any food you have to drink
  34. A rich pasta with a spicy meat-a-ball
  35. Eggs (not that you can afford them)
  36. Vegetables
  37. Humans
  38. Fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
  39. Other fruit
  40. Water

Stop eating all these things immediately if you want to live.


NOT SATIRE: It’s time to elevate your immune system. The best way to prepare your body for cold and flu season is to build your immune system every single day.

Your immune health starts in your gut as 70% of your immune cells are located within your digestive tract. So, if you’re used to grabbing vitamin c packets every time you feel a cold coming on, it’s time to elevate your immune system with Nouri’s daily StayWell packs – now available in 2 flavors: Lemonade and Passionfruit.

Grab yourself a box (or two) of StayWell so you can beat seasonal sickness by supporting your immune system. Use code FIRST20 at checkout for 20% off your first order!


Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:


Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more guffaw-inducing chucklefests!





Source link

By GIL