Brought to you by: COVFEFE
Are you trying to break a coffee addiction? Have no fear, the self-help experts at the Babylon Bee are here! We assembled our research team and found the top 7 ways to wean yourself off coffee:
- Just drink 17 cups of green tea in the morning: Or if tea isn’t your thing, just double-fist a Monster Ultra.
- Try something less addictive, like crack cocaine: This technique reportedly worked for Hunter Biden.
- Drink Starbucks: It’s not real coffee, so it doesn’t count.
- Punch yourself in the head repeatedly so you won’t notice the caffeine withdrawal headache: Then smash your fingers with a hammer if you start to doze off.
- Just wait a few years until inflation has made coffee so expensive the only thing you can afford to drink is green gruel water from the wash behind the 7-Eleven: Gas station coffee will cure any caffeine addict.
- Look at pictures of coffee drinkers’ lungs: They’re the same as healthy lungs, but still.
- Take it slow and steady: Go from 8 cups of coffee a day this year, to 7 next year, then 6 five years from now, and so on. By the time you die, you’ll be down to just 2 or 3 cups a day!
Or, you can just chill out and enjoy your coffee in the morning. Your choice!
NOT SATIRE: COVFEFE: Making Coffee Great! The America First choice. The best choice.
With 1000+ 5-Star reviews, our coffee will quickly become the coffee of choice in your household! What will you choose? Red Pill Light Roast, Drain The Swamp Medium Roast, or MAGA Dark Roast? Single-Serve, Whole Bean, Ground, or Decaf? Unlike the other coffee brands, our Christian family ownership frees us from the ever-changing Neo-Liberal Orthodoxy. In addition, each purchase gives us the ability to donate to impactful organizations that produce results. We’ve contributed to Election Integrity, Exposing Anti-White initiatives, Rittenhouse Legal Fund, and others. So let’s raise a cup of COVFEFE and take this country back!
Can this liberal California couple handle their new life in Texas?