Brought to you by The Master’s University:

There’s only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don’t graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!

Find a spouse with these handy tips!

For men:

  1. Pray that God will guide the bouncy ball you’re about to chuck so it will hit your future bride: Aim true, Spirit!
  2. Accidentally throw her name into a rendition of ‘What A Beautiful Name’: She’ll be flattered when you put her above God and then touched when you repent.
  3. Put a box and stick trap out with an Amish romance novel as bait: Irresistible.
  4. Lift MacArthur Study Bibles to fill out those scrawny arms: And don’t skimp out on leg day! Do squats while extending a Scofield Reference Bible at arm’s length.
  5. Diligently work under the employ of her father for seven years and then accidentally marry her sister: It’ll be a great story for your grandkids.
  6. Learn 3 chords on the guitar: This will put you above the competition.
  7. Go to the quad and say, “I intend to get a stable job, work hard, and have at least 5 children and also I want chickens” conspicuously loud: Guaranteed to work, so you’d better be willing to follow through.

For women:

  1. Close your eyes and let the Lord guide your feet to the door of your new spouse: It’s just that easy!
  2. Loudly read Proverbs 31 in common areas and then say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there!” when a cute guy walks by: He’ll be yours forever.
  3. Wear spikenard that smells of locusts and wild honey: It’s what wild men appreciate most.
  4. Sigh wistfully and say, “I wish a man could explain this to me!” while reading your Bible: Then, marry the most correct man — even if he’s ugly.
  5. Accidentally brush his hand as you both reach for the froyo machine handle in the cafeteria: He won’t be able to think about anything else, least of all froyo.
  6. Weep and cry out in prayer “Have mercy on me, a single!”: Then he’ll know!
  7. Do not heed the advice of talking serpents: They’re always wrong.

NOT SATIRE: The Master’s University in Santa Clarita, California, offers 150+ top-ranked and accredited programs uncompromisingly committed to Christ & Scripture. Every student, faculty, staff, and coach at TMU affirms Scripture’s sufficiency, inerrancy, and authority as we joyfully strive to honor the master, Jesus Christ. Students are equipped with the knowledge, skills, and attitudes they need for their careers while cultivating their spiritual growth, moral character, and leadership to live in His light. Discover 14 ways TMU is different and why it matters to students.


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By GIL