Brought to you by: MyPillow

ST. PAUL, MN — Mike Lindell, the CEO of MyPillow, had his cell phone seized by the FBI this week. The FBI is pursuing subpoenas on additional data and documents from the “My Pillow Guy,” but has been unable to breach his MyPillow fort thus far.

“We are besieging Mr. Lindell, but we had not accounted for the patented interlocking foam filling being so difficult to penetrate,” said Special Agent Bob Janzen to reporters outside the MyPillow guy’s fort on Wednesday. “This fortress of mattress toppers, Giza Dreams™ bed sheets, and pillows have formed an impenetrable barrier we have been unable to breach.”

So far Lindell has held off the armed agents with one-time FREE gift popup ads, followed by a round of invitations to join the MyPillow mailing list. Sources say Mr. Lindell is pacing inside the fort wearing night vision goggles and preparing his arsenal for a MyPillow fight. “He’s even wearing armor made from a MyPillow bathrobe over MyPillow formal pajamas and MyPillow slippers, all textured for maximum comfort,” said Janzen. “This won’t be easy.”

Critics have contended that Mr. Lindell may risk being indicted for bribery if he offers a MyPillow to the agents, but even Mr. Lindell’s harshest critics have not been able to disprove his claim that MyPillow products are “the most comfortable you will ever own.”

At publishing time, Merrick Garland was forced to tie another string around his finger to remind him to investigate the Biden family’s corrupt dealings with Chinese companies, as he had again forgotten.


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A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report.
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